The Diagnosis Process

This is all old news. But it might be interesting to some.

As I mentioned before, we found the cancer because I contracted pneumonia. It started as a typical cold, but turned into a cough pretty quickly. I didn't think too much of it at first, because I had been visiting family, and my sister-in-law reported that it had taken a few weeks for some of her kids to get over something similar before I arrived. Then, like a good educated healthcare consumer, I looked online and read a bunch of websites that said if you go to the doctor before you've had a cough for five weeks, they will just send you home again anyway.

At about six weeks of persistent cough, with some days getting better and other days getting worse, I had a series of getting worse days all in a row. So I ended up in urgent care on a Saturday morning getting a chest X-ray. Something about the image didn't look right to the nurse, so she sent it on to the radiologist, and sent me home with a hefty dose of antibiotics for the pneumonia with instructions to rest for the next 3-6 weeks.

That night I received a phone call from urgent care, wherein they told me the radiologist felt I needed a CT scan ASAP. So the following Tuesday, I went to an imaging center for a contrast CT scan. Tuesday afternoon, I had another call from urgent care - could I come in to review the results, and by the way, I probably wanted to bring someone with me. All this checking and re-checking had been concerning up to that point, but this minute was the first that it really started to sink in that something might be more than a little wrong.

Our meeting with the urgent care nurse was sweet. She conveyed the news - the CT scan showed a "very large" mass in the anterior mediastinum, the space in the chest between the lungs and the rib cage, just to the right of my sternum. In this case, very large was about 10 cm x 7 cm, or about the size of my fist. The radiologist suspected the mass was a lymphoma, and the recommendation was that I find an oncologist to fully diagnose the problem. When we finished our conversation, that wonderful nurse hugged me, prayed for me, and asked me to keep her updated on how things went for me. She is a lovely woman.

Fast forward a week; next I met with an oncologist and his PA, both of whom are used to seeing people like me all the time. They ordered a battery of tests to further identify what we are dealing with: blood work, a PET scan, and a consult with a surgeon to determine the best way to obtain a biopsy.

Aside from the actual injection (I don't do needles well...), the PET scan was an interesting experience. They inject you with radioactive sugar, then have you lie down and not move for an hour or so while your body processes it. The idea is that cells that are active use more sugar (energy) than cells that aren't, so cancer cells (which are really active) will take up lots of the radioactive sugar, allowing you to image exactly where the cancer is located in your body. When the resting period is over, they put you in a PET/CT scanner and it uses cool physics principles to create a 3D image of your body that also shows where the radioactivity is most prominent. Once I had a copy of the scan in my hands, the biology nerd in me spent about two hours going over it, trying to determine what it all meant. Of course, it made a lot more sense after I went over it with my doctors. But it was still neat.

(Side note to anyone who has major health issues: always ask for a copy of scans and tests and other records for your personal files. They are about you, so they are yours. It makes seeing new doctors, switching doctors, and keeping track of your health record a whole ton easier than it would be if you had to chase down the records after the fact from each of the many places you will end up going.)

Getting a biopsy was the next major hurdle. Lymphomas are tricky to diagnose without a good-sized piece of tissue, I think because there are so many subtypes of lymphoma that you have to do a lot of tests to ensure the pathology is correct. With many cancers, getting a little sample via a CT-guided biopsy is sufficient. In my case, they recommended a minor surgical procedure instead, partly because the tumor is so closely packed in with vital organs (heart, lungs, major veins/arteries), and partly to get a large enough tissue sample to get good pathology. Fortunately for me, I was referred to one of the best doctors in the area for the surgery, and he really knows his stuff. So on the day after Christmas, I checked in to the hospital. The procedure is called a VATS (video-assisted thorascopic surgery) procedure - they make three small incisions in your side and, using a video camera to see what's going on inside your body, they deflate the lung and use the space that creates to get to the tumor and take a piece for pathology. While I was under general anesthesia, the surgeon also put in a port-a-cath so they could do chemo infusions more easily. (And I am REALLY glad. It makes it way easier.)

The first 24 hours after surgery were challenging, but I had good people taking care of me. My favorite was my nighttime CNA - he was optimistic, friendly, compassionate, caring, and just plain good at what he did. He made the time in the hospital a little easier to manage.

It took two weeks to get the pathology back, because after they did all the tests, they sent it to be reviewed by a board of pathologists to confirm the diagnosis. It was an anxious two weeks. During that time, I also had a bone marrow biopsy and few other tests, mostly to confirm my body could handle the chemo. (The bone marrow biopsy, while not fun, was way easier than surgery. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective.)

Finally, 31 days after the first suspicion of lymphoma, I finally had a diagnosis - primary mediastinal B-cell lymphoma. It was a huge relief (and a little mind-blowing, truthfully). No more waiting two weeks in between appointments, and no more tests! We were moving on to treatment!

(And since I already told you about the first treatment, this ending feels sort of anticlimactic. And I'm too tired to think of something interesting that would change that, so there you go. The End.)

Cancer: The Day-to-Day Stuff

In other words, more sharing of my experience and less philosophical ramblings... maybe. :-)

Yesterday was my first day of chemo. I was excited. I know that sounds weird, but in my defense, it had been 37 days since I first learned I had lymphoma, so it was absolutely fabulous that we were finally doing something about it! (I'll probably tell that story later. We'll see.)

Primary mediastinal B-cell lymphoma is typically treated with one of two protocols: R-CHOP or Dose-Adjusted R-EPOCH. Basically, R-EPOCH is R-CHOP plus another drug (E), but it is administered in the hospital where they can actively adjust the dosage based on your blood cell counts. It requires a 4-5 day hospital stay every round of chemo because it is a more closely monitored and 4-day continuous administration. The advantage, though, is that you don't have to get radiation after chemo is finished. R-CHOP can be administered on an outpatient basis, but for bulky disease like mine (I have a large tumor as part of my lymphoma) they will do radiation after chemotherapy to minimize the risk of recurrence. The downside to radiation is that it has some long-term potential side effects, like increased risk of other cancers later on. But for the two protocols, five year survival rates are about the same, plus or minus 5%, and both are in the mid-80% to low 90% range. So - there's a good chance of winning either way.

I thought about it a lot, but ultimately decided to go with the R-CHOP protocol. Hospital stays are an immediate high-stress thing. Long-term risk of future cancer due to radiation exposure is a delayed high-stress possibility. For me, the decision came down to how much more stress I felt I could take on right now, and how quickly I wanted to get started on treatment.

For the other biology nerds like me out there (or if you just want to know what kind of drugs they are giving me)...

R = Rituxan, a monoclonal antibody that binds to a protein only expressed on B-cells, targeting them for immune response. When the immune system gets to them, they lyse (burst open) and die. This is the coolest part of the treatment, I think, because it is specifically targeted to B-cells, and doesn't affect other cells in the body like the other chemo drugs do. From what I understand, this drug has made the CHOP protocol significantly more effective in treating large B-cell lymphomas.

C = Cytoxan, which binds to DNA and inhibits replication, causing cell death.

H = Doxorubicin Hydrochloride, which does a whole bunch of things to cells, including sticking itself in between base pairs of DNA, preventing DNA replication and protein synthesis.

O = Oncovin, which interferes with cell division by stalling it in metaphase.

P = Prednisone, which stimulates apoptosis (programmed cell death) in tumor cell populations, among other things (including making me kinda loopy while I'm taking it).

The CHOP drugs all target rapidly replicating cells, which is why you see side effects like hair loss, nausea, loss of taste, "chemo brain" (forgetting things or slow thinking), etc. As a random side note, I find it interesting that none of the drugs contain the word "toxin", but some of them come close. :-) Coincidence? Maybe not...

As another random side note, some people have told me that one of the side effects of chemo is that it makes everything taste really salty, even if it isn't. Maybe that's because some of the drugs are synthesized and administered in the salt form; the body then breaks them down into the chemical structure they need to be effective.

End of biology discussion.

The first chemo treatment went much better than I expected. We arrived about 9 am. By 9:30 the nurse had connected the IV to my port - getting a port was a great decision, since it doesn't hurt at all to put the needle in (and thus I don't freak out, either!) - and by 10:15 or so we had started the infusions. We started with two anti-nausea drugs and some benadryl to counteract the expected reactions from the chemo drugs, and then moved on to the Rituxan infusion. The nurse also gave me some Tylenol (to manage any potential pain). The body is usually resistant to the initial dose of R, so they administered the infusion slowly and monitored me pretty closely for reactions. I did relatively well, and only had one minor reaction that was easily remedied with a little steroid infusion. After that it was smooth, albeit slow, sailing! Once we finished R (around 1:30), the nurse gave two more drugs as quick pushes, which are administered through a syringe hooked up to the IV; these only took a few minutes each. The last infusion took just over an hour. They pushed some saline through the port to ensure the chemo had made it into the bloodstream, added some heparin to keep the port from getting blocked by clots until next time, and I was done. (Yep. Eight new drugs in one day. A new record.) By that time it was about 3:20, and I was on my way home. The last part of the chemo (Prednisone) I take in pill form once a day on chemo day and four days following. 

"Chemotherapy" has always sounded like a hard thing to me, but in reality it was just a lot of sitting around reading a book or talking to people. I could get up and walk around, but I had to roll my IV pole along with me and maneuver around the furniture in the chemo room, which kind of put a damper on things. So much for getting any exercise during treatment! :-)

The hard part is the side effects... but so far, so good. I've been able to manage what I've had so far. My biggest challenge has actually been a stress headache (likely a result of the trauma of new things + new drugs + how they react in my body). I feel a little loopy sometimes (thanks to P) and tired other times, but I think if I pay close attention to my body and stay on top of things I will do pretty well. We will see what happens after the long-acting anti-nausea drugs they gave me before chemo wear off; then I will have to manage it with pills, which I have but don't know yet how they will work.

Prayers have helped tremendously. A big thank you to everyone who sent a thought to heaven for me yesterday. I honestly didn't expect to have so few issues with the first chemo administration, and I felt it was an answer to your prayers that it went so well. Your help makes a big difference.

So... we are 1/6 done with chemo - the next one is three weeks from yesterday - and the end is in sight! It's a little funny... ever since I learned I have cancer, I've had to learn to take things one day at a time, not commit to things because I don't know how I will feel or if I will be available (or at the doctor), and focus just on this minute or, if I'm doing well, today. But at the same time, I want to keep in remembrance that everything will turn out well and that this won't last forever. At work, I tell people one of my skills is that I can look at the big picture as well as the details and zoom in and out between the two with relative ease. It's a little harder when it's my own life, but I'm grateful I can practice that skill in this experience. I spend most of my time in the details (the minute-to-minute "how do I feel?") but every once in a while it is good to zoom out again and see how the Lord is working to make the long-term outcome a good one for me. Yay for that!

Feel free to ask questions in the comments if you want to know something specific and I will do my best to oblige with a good answer in another post.

Until next time...

Bearing Burdens

This year, I face a new adventure. I was just diagnosed with primary mediastinal B-cell lymphoma, a very treatable large B-cell type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. We discovered the cancer after a persistent cough turned into pneumonia. It will likely be the only time in my life I was grateful to have contracted pneumonia. (Hopefully it also will be the only time I ever get pneumonia. It's not very fun.)

Lest telling you this makes you promptly freak out so much that you stop reading and pick up the phone to text me, you should also know this: I believe this is part of the plan my Heavenly Father has for me. I have had spiritual impressions and experiences that let me know I can trust Him to be by my side during this challenge. While it will not be easy, I have confidence it will all turn out well in the end. There will be lots of opportunities to learn new things - both nerdy science things that satisfy the biologist in me and beautiful spiritual things that help refine my character and teach me to be more like my Father - and there will be lots of opportunities to be served, which (let's be honest about it) is something my independent self will probably benefit from.

OK. Now you can text me. Then keep reading.

Of course, being told you have cancer is not an easy thing. As I've considered my experience and talked with friends, I have settled on the following imagery to try to describe it.

Picture this...

You and everyone you know (and a lot more people you don't) are all walking along the path of life. Sometimes we make choices that are the equivalent of picking up stones and putting them in our pockets, and we carry around the burdens/consequences of those choices for a while. Sometimes God hands us a stone and suggests we carry it for a while, so we put it in our pockets and keep moving forward. Sometimes a friend hands us one of his stones and asks us to carry it for him for a while, and we do. Sometimes we see a friend as we're walking along the path, and the stones appear to be spilling out of her pockets and her hands, so we volunteer to take a few of her stones for a while. In each of the last three cases, it's a little bit of extra weight, but we take it anyway, because we love the person who gave us the stones.

Then there are times when something big and hard comes along - the death of a loved one, a chronic illness, a really hard educational program, an unhealthy or failed relationship, a cancer diagnosis. It's not like the other stones. It's like being handed a 200 pound boulder. "This is your new best friend." What was the first thing I did? I stopped and put the boulder down. It was too heavy to carry, so down it went, right where I was, and then I sat down to figure out what to do next.

Here comes the beautiful part. People who love me saw me sitting on that 200 pound boulder, and some of them stopped walking and turned back and sat on it with me. Some let me talk as I processed what I was being asked to carry. Some just put an arm around me and sat. And then as each one got up to move on, they volunteered to take a little piece of my boulder with them in their pockets. "I'll pray for you," they said, or "Here's a bowl of soup." Each time that happened, I chipped off a piece and handed it to them, and they continued their respective journeys.

Now for the other beautiful part. Jesus said,

Come unto me, 

all ye that labor and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 

for I am meek and lowly in heart: 

and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, 

and my burden is light.

When I seek His help, He gets out the yoke and puts it on both of us. Then, together, we can drag that boulder along and keep walking. The weight isn't too heavy after all, because I have joined forces with an infinitely compassionate and powerful being. His grace gives me strength to pull that boulder along as I continue to move forward. And after a while, I start feeling strong enough that I can even put little pieces of other people's stones back into my pockets, helping them, praying for them, being a good friend.

As I think about what it means to help bear one another's burdens, and to mourn with those that mourn, this imagery is what keeps coming back to me. We keep the covenant we have made with God to always remember Him by remembering His children and helping them carry their stones along the path of life.

For me, having cancer is a beautiful opportunity to grow and share and become better than I was. One very important thing I have learned so far is that a little bit each by a lot of people makes a huge difference. From coast to coast, I have a network of loved ones praying for me. Those prayers give me strength - especially during particularly difficult minutes, like during my bone marrow biopsy, or when I wake up at two in the morning and can't go back to sleep, or on a tired day when I don't know if I can sit up long enough to make it through another doctor visit.

I say unto you, that by small and simple things 

are great things brought to pass...

Although it doesn't seem like much from one person's perspective, the combined faith of all my friends and family has resulted in the activation of grace in my life, and we have seen miracles. 

I believe in miracles.

The Allegory of the Olive Trees

Over the past few days, I have been reading the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees, and had some thoughts related to it. Since you like to hear what I am thinking about, I have decided to share. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, you can read it here. If you don't feel like reading it all, it's basically an allegory about a man who owns a vineyard full of olive trees, and it's the story of how he takes care of his trees so they will produce good fruit for him. There are at least two ways to apply the story: first, it is a symbol of the Jews and Gentiles, and the scattering and gathering of Israel; second, it is a symbol of how God works in our lives individually. I haven't thought much about the latter before now, but when I read it this time, I learned a lot.

First I decided to note wherever the master of the vineyard said anything. This was interesting, because it turns out that most of the allegory is actually given through the words of the master himself.

Then I noticed a few other things.

After much effort to help the tree grow good fruit (as opposed to wild fruit), the master of the vineyard asks his servant, What shall we do unto the tree, that I may preserve again good fruit thereof unto mine own self? Did he ask because he didn't know what to do, or did he ask because he wanted to see how much his servant had learned in the process of helping him care for the trees? I think it is the latter. This is often the way earthly parents, heavenly parents, and mentors work in my life; they ask me to come up with solutions to problems they may already know how to solve, so that I can learn to make complex decisions like they do, gain confidence in what I know, and eventually feel comfortable moving forward on my own.

In this same phrase, there is another interesting use of words: what shall we do? Not what are you going to do?, but an invitation to work with the master in carrying out his stewardship. We never work alone when we are asked to join our leaders in the work they do, and when we accept the invitation, we receive the added benefit of the mentoring process we just discussed above. (As a tangential thought, this is an important principle to apply in management. I am of the opinion that cultivating trusting relationships and mentoring toward a specific goal are two actions that make a manager successful, because they make the employee successful.)

We can see the servant's growth and development a little later in the story, when the master of the vineyard is ready to give up and just cut the whole tree down, and the servant gives the most beautiful response: Spare it a little longer. I love this. It is full of mercy and compassion and love. It reminds me of my Savior. The servant saw the tree, in all its wildness, and realized that the roots were still good; they had just been overtaken by the wild branches that had been grafted in. He didn't want to give up on that potential goodness. In the same way, Jesus sees me as what I can become, despite what fruits I am currently bearing. He gently and carefully draws out the good from my roots by doing exactly what the master of this vineyard did: a little at a time, he cut off the most corrupt branches, and replaced them with the original branches that he had previously grafted into other trees. As the original branches were restored, they took strength from their original roots, and more bad branches could be removed. The result was that the good roots gradually completely permeated the tree with goodness, and it bore only good fruit.

Jesus sees us in our entirety - roots, trunk, and branches. He sees us as we were, as we are, and as we can become. And gently, carefully, a little at a time, He helps rid us of our corrupt and sinful ways, replacing them with better alternatives. This is the effect of His great Atonement. It is significant to note that He doesn't try to cut out all the bad at once, because that could overwhelm us, potentially damaging us beyond repair. Instead, He takes time and care to help us through the process of incremental change until we become someone who is "sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, ... holy, without spot." When I consider that this is the purpose of mortality, and that each of us is going through this same process of refining, it gives me more compassion for others and for myself.

Boston in Colorado

I have been banished to the other room while the three oldest nieces and nephews craft a blog post designed to make "the parents" laugh. Apparently I am now one of "the parents" (a designation I'm totally fine with, since I think of them as sort-of-my-kids anyway). So for lack of anything else to do, I will share my recent happenings with you. At least until they are done writing their blog post.

Things are changing. Boston the city is no longer my home. It was a good decade, and I have lots of happy and sacred and growing up-ish memories associated with my time there, but it was time to move on to more important things. So I have chosen to pack a few things, sell the rest, and migrate back west to where I can see the Rocky Mountains, where North, South, East, and West are still used to give directions, and where there is more sunshine. It's also, conveniently, a place where four absolutely hilarious children live, and they really brighten my life with their quirky humor.

In making these changes, I have left behind some wonderful friends and experiences, but so far it seems to be a small sacrifice considering what I am gaining. Family time is healing and happy. We write particularly bad poetry late at night, but we're usually so tired, it makes us laugh so hard we can't breathe more often than not. We have wholesome family activities - even the kind that go down in family lore as being particularly epic. Yesterday we hiked in the mountains above Boulder. (It was fabulously beautiful and the trees smelled like vanilla and the scent reminded me of going to girls camp as a youth.) The week before we tried to go to a wonderful sounding place called Serratoga Falls. (It ended up being a housing development, not a scenic waterfall as we had expected. Grr... We had to go get ice cream to make up for it.)

We also do fun random things. We experiment in the kitchen and try to make new treats. The older two girls give head pats to say goodnight. I get my fill of snuggling (and tickling) and I don't mind running kids back and forth to archery or swim team or whatever they need. I get to teach six 9 and 10 year olds on Sundays in Primary - which I love. It's a different life, but it's a life I've chosen and I'm glad to be living it.

At Batman's request, I will tell our latest random fun. Batman is my oldest niece. She's fourteen and wants to be able to drive. But she's not old enough. Even though she's Batman. The other day, she gave me a hug, and demonstrated the "proper" way to give a hug. It involves standing very far back away from the person you are hugging, wrapping your arms around their torso, and sticking your backside out enough so as to be ... um ... for lack of a better word, awkward. So awkward that it makes you both bust up laughing. If you want a demonstration, come visit. It will make you laugh. I promise.

I Have Amazing Friends

When we're little, we just want to be independent.

I can do it myself.

Right?

As we grow, we learn how 

And we do a lot of things on our own.

Housework, laundry, cooking, work.

Then sometimes life throws a curve ball.

And our physical capacities just aren't the same.

Age, accident, injury, whatever it is,

At that point we find we need help.

 But sometimes we get stuck 

In the "little child" mentality.

When that happens to me,

I try to do it myself,

Even when it isn't very productive.

Then I have good friends

Who persistently remind me they want to serve

And then keep reminding me

Even when I flip out on them.

And that is why

Tonight

I am really grateful

For my amazing friends.

I am blessed.

The End.

Favorite Quotes

I loved Conference. I still love it as I listen to the talks again and again. One of my favorite quotes comes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.

This comment has been on my mind as I try to do what my body needs to heal, knowing that there is value also in the pain and the process. (For the record, when I speak of healing, I am referring "only" to damaged ligaments and a chronic headache... What was easy to overcome in my twenties is not so easy anymore - but age brings wisdom, so I'm willing to take it slow rather than give up what I know.) It is teaching me to recognize and be grateful for answered prayers. It is teaching me faith and patience. It is teaching me how to fill my quiet, resting hours with things that are virtuous, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy. And it is teaching me to trust my Father, knowing that this experience will be for my eternal good. With His help, I will be a better woman for what I am learning.

Another favorite quote comes from Elder Russell M. Nelson:

Recently I heard a chorus of children sing the beloved song “I Am a Child of God.” I wondered, “Why haven’t I heard that song rendered more often by singing mothers or faithful fathers?” Are we not all children of God? In truth, not one of us can ever stop being a child of God!

Today in Stake Conference, we sang this beautiful hymn. It was pretty awesome. The primary children were on the stand, with about 8 little ones playing their violins. Those children led us in singing these simple words:

I am a child of God

and He has sent me here,

has given me an earthly home

with parents kind and dear.

Lead me, guide me,

walk beside me,

help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do

to live with Him someday.

I felt like after we sang that opening hymn and then heard the Primary children sing "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" that we had been edified so much that I could have gone home happy even without the other hour and 45 minutes worth of talks and music. (That part was good too, for the record. But the first ten minutes were pretty wonderful.)

Last night, during the evening session of Stake Conference, my friend The Opera Singer performed a beautiful rendition of "More Holiness Give Me". It reminded me of the first quote I shared by Elder Holland, and gave the Spirit an opportunity to teach me. Later in the meeting, a member of our Stake Presidency shared that same quote in his talk, and I felt that my Father in Heaven wanted me to know that He knows what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. I felt His love.

You'd never guess it by what I just shared, but the theme of our conference was on "Hastening the Work" and how we can be better missionaries to share the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with those around us. It's pretty incredible to think of all the Lord is doing to move His work forward to prepare the world for His Second Coming. And we get to be a part of it!

Conference

Last weekend we had the semiannual General Conference of the Church. It's one of my favorite times of year - a chance to hear from living prophets and apostles who speak the word of God. Four sessions, two hours each, filled with inspiring messages and Spirit-filled music, that build my soul and fortify me for the next six months.

In the past I have tried to approach Conference with a question or two about things going on in my life, and then I listen carefully to inspired talks and to the Spirit. Invariably, the Lord provides answers to those questions through the words of His chosen servants. This time was similar - I had one question, one that has been on my mind a while, and I sought help from Conference to learn an answer. The second talk contained what I felt was the answer I had requested - or at least the first part of it - and I was anxious to learn more as the sessions continued.

After the first session ended, I went out to run errands. My plan didn't go quite how I had expected, and I didn't ever get to my grocery shopping. There was another plan executed instead (a harder one, but in the end, it was a better one). I came home with the help of a friend and spent the rest of the weekend (and much of this week) lying on the couch, learning how to be still, to be served, and to be healed.

And by design, I believe, the rest of Conference focused my attention on the new message I needed to hear. Here are some of my favorite parts of what I heard (and have listened to again and again this week):

"Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."

"Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.' Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change."

"I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

"God's promise to the humble is that He will lead them by the hand. I truly believe that we will avoid detours and sadness in our lives as long as we walk hand in hand with the Lord."

There have been miracles and blessings this week - blessings I would not have noticed or counted but for this alternative plan. I am glad for what Conference has taught me so far. And for what it will yet teach me:

"The greatest blessings of general conference come to us after the conference is over. Remember the pattern recorded frequently in scripture: we gather to hear the words of the Lord, and we return to our homes to live them."

Food

I sat down tonight to make a grocery list, 

in an effort to be proactive about my eating life.

Because when I eat, 

I feel happier.

(Duh.)

First, I thought, 

I should note what I'm scheduled to attend 

that requires me to bring food.

Check.

Then, I thought, 

I should check my calendar 

to see when I have time to cook food for the week.

Um.

I don't know how this is possible.

I have something every evening

for the next 7 days.

(That's before I tried to plan my week.)

Which leaves no night available to cook.

Undeterred, I made a plan.

I will eat peanut butter sandwiches 

and crock pot taco soup

every day next week.

(As soon as I have time to make the taco soup.)

At least I could buy supplies for PBJs at Target,

which was open until 11,

which meant I actually got it done tonight.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

But at least I planned ahead!

Home Sweet Home

This week, I was home for three evenings in a row.

It was a little weird. I can't remember the last time that happened. (Actually, I don't even know when I was last home for two evenings in a row during the week. Apparently I've been busy.)

At first, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Then...

I finished reading all the magazines that have been piling up for three months.

I did the dishes.

I ate dinner (three nights in a row! Woah. This is getting crazy).

I folded the laundry that has been in the dryer since last Saturday.

I pulled the seeding crabgrass out of my perennial bed, and the weeds out from behind my rosebushes. It was a good start to the fall flower bed prep.

I cleaned the food splatters off the kitchen walls (it's only been making me crazy when I've noticed it for the last 4 months).

I cleaned the car windshield and wiped off more splatters in my car. (They mostly make me crazy because I have NO IDEA how they got there...)

I tossed a few weeks' worth of recyclable mail and reduced the kitchen table clutter.

I responded to all the emails I received this week.

And I blogged!

I should stay home more often. Apparently it is a productive venture.

The end.

Today's Thought

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, here.

Going forward with our service and work is an important way to qualify for revelation. In my study of the scriptures I have noted that most revelation to the children of God comes when they are on the move, not when they are sitting back in their habitations waiting for the Lord to tell them the first step to take.
 For example, it is significant to note that the revelation known as “the Word and Will of the Lord concerning the Camp of Israel” (D&C 136:1) was not given in Nauvoo as the Quorum of the Twelve planned the exodus from Nauvoo in those sorrowful days following the Martyrdom of the Prophet in 1844; nor was it given on the west bank of the Mississippi River. It was given at Winter Quarters, Nebraska, after the Saints had spent a punishing year moving from Nauvoo westward across Iowa to temporary camps on the Missouri River. The revelation to guide the movement of the Saints across the plains was given on January 14, 1847, when the Saints had already gone about a third of the way to the valleys of the mountains.
 We will get promptings of the Spirit when we have done everything we can, when we are out in the sun working rather than sitting back in the shade praying for direction on the first step to take. Revelation comes when the children of God are on the move.
 So we do all we can. Then we wait upon the Lord for His revelation. He has his own timetable.

I liked this thought. It is important for me right now.

Monday Cheer

My friend was late to Family Home Evening tonight. But when he walked in, his apology was this - sorry I'm late, but I was totally charmed by the complete double rainbow!

Sure enough, when we ran outside to look, you could still see all of one and some of the second rainbow, from ground to ground, making a huge arc in the sky. It was amazing. (I didn't take a picture, so you'll just have to imagine it. Or Google it. Other people did take pictures, apparently.)

Then we all had a wonderful discussion on a conference talk and visited a while.

It cheered me up and helped me forget about the challenges of the day.

I'm grateful for friends who remind me to stop and look for rainbows.

They are a reminder of how much our Father in Heaven loves us.

(The friends and the rainbows.)

Happy Monday!

The Neglected Blog and 10 Things to Smile About

Oops. I missed an entire month. Apparently I never post anymore. So here is something to make up for that.

Yesterday was Fast Sunday, the first Sabbath of the month, where we voluntarily go without food and drink for two meals and donate the value of the meals to the church as a fast offering. I also focus my prayers and thoughts on something important and seek revelation from my Father in Heaven as I fast. It's a wonderful opportunity to grow spiritually, and I generally appreciate Fast Sundays.

This weekend I was not mentally or physically prepared for it. Saturday was hot (think 87 degrees inside) and humid. It had been a busy week, so I hadn't thought about what I wanted to fast for. After dinner Saturday evening, I still needed to clean the house and carry air conditioning units up from the basement - not work one should do without drinking a lot of water when the house is like an oven. Or maybe a sauna. Anyway, I didn't actually start thinking about this fast until just before I went to bed. So I admitted my failure to prepare and asked for His help anyway, and the Lord answered my prayers. It always amazes me when I am abundantly blessed after putting forth what seems like a very little effort. I am grateful that God loves us like that.

Yesterday I also went with two lovely friends to Mt. Auburn cemetery. It is one of my favorite places in Cambridge. We saw ponds with fish and frogs, willow trees blowing in the wind, and my favorite place - Consecration Dell - which is just peaceful and happy. It was good for my soul.

I will also share 10 Things to Smile About for May in an effort to spread good cheer. This is something my cousin Emmy Mom does. I always think it is a good idea but usually don't get further than that. :-)





1. The Boston temple. A group of friends came with me on Memorial Day morning and it was a truly awesome experience.
2. Discovering most of a season of Studio C that I hadn't seen on BYU TV - and the app that lets me watch it on my iPhone. Laughter is good for the soul.
3. Air conditioners. What a blessed invention!
4. Spring flowers.
5. Dinner with my uncle from Kentucky! Chipotle always tastes better when you eat it with people you love.
6. A photo scavenger hunt adventure, complete with getting pulled over by a police officer.
7. New clothes.
8. Successfully accomplishing a goal.
9. A trip to Ogunquit, ME, and a walk along the Marginal Way.
10. It's fruit smoothie season!!! YUM.

Peace and Healing

I know so many who need peace and healing, who just want to forget what they experienced yesterday in Boston. Even though I was not downtown at all (and the mundane budget preparation I was doing is nothing by comparison), I know people who were, and my heart aches for everyone who was affected, whether directly or indirectly.

Yesterday morning was a special Monday opening at the Boston temple. I went because I was asked to serve, but it was a blessing for me as much as a service opportunity. I was in a worship session at 7:30 am with about 40 young missionaries and a few other people. I reflected on the power in that room - 38 young men who bear the priesthood, and 2 young women, all called of God and set apart to preach His gospel in Boston and the surrounding region. All 40 have put their education and their lives on hold while they serve the Lord full-time, spreading the good news of the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth. They represented only a fraction of the Elders and Sisters who serve in our area, but while small in number, they were great in power and devotion to the truth.

Tonight, my home teachers came over - two of the best men I know. They bear the priesthood of God and are responsible to visit and care for a small number of men and women in our ward. They shared with me a message of hope and peace, of joy in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that we will one day be restored to a perfect, immortal body because of His grace. One commented that it seemed this message was inspired, exactly what we needed to hear today. It helped me listen with greater focus, and I found peace and joy in contemplating the magnificent blessings of the Atonement and Resurrection of my Savior Jesus Christ.

As I have pondered on the events that took place yesterday with these two experiences as bookends, this is the most important message I can think to offer:

"As we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." (read more here, in Preach My Gospel)

"The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. ... His divine love ... can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow." (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, here.)

I know that Jesus Christ lives and I know that He can heal us from all the wounds that were inflicted by yesterday's tragedy, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual in nature. God knows and loves all His children, and He will not turn His back on us now. Please join with me in turning to Him for peace and the healing we all need.

What's New

There is an animal that eats my crocuses. Every year. I think it might be the raccoon I saw a few weeks ago as I was pulling into the driveway. Or maybe the bunny I saw last fall sitting near my flowerbeds. At any rate, I'm sad about it since I plant crocuses for the flowers, not the animals. At least I was able to enjoy the pretty yellows for a few days before they disappeared.

The other good news is that the trees are starting to bud and the world is turning green again! I bought a hyacinth plant at Trader Joe's last week and it has been making my office smell heavenly. It brings me happiness. The hyacinths in the backyard are coming up and blooming as well. Happy day.

Tonight I went to the BSO with my two friends. I was grateful for no traffic on the highway on the way there, since I left 15 minutes later than I thought I should, and ended up there on time after all. I was also grateful I remembered to put the tickets in my purse last night - they have been sitting on the dining room table for a month. Two blessings in 24 hours. Yay! Oh, and the concert was pretty amazing, too. We heard a world famous violinist, a super cool piece by a Russian composer I'd never heard before, and Pictures at an Exhibition. It was great.

Did you enjoy General Conference? I sure did! These were my two favorites:

Our daily contributions of nurturing, teaching, and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme—“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us”—it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses. - Elaine S. Dalton

All the difference in our responses to others and in our relationships with those around us. Who wouldn't benefit from that?

When [affliction or desperation] moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.  - Jeffrey R. Holland

Elder Holland already italicized the part I needed most to hear. :-) 

These were the two messages for me. It made a difference this week. I love being part of a church that has Apostles and Prophets who guide us to all truth. Amazing.